Category Archives: Relationships

Living without regrets

Glenorchy on FireTime is a funny thing. It passes so quickly, and today I had one of those experiences where your life passes before your eyes.

It was raining heavily and I was taking my car to be inspected. Someone made a sharp left turn in front of me, and I slammed on the brakes.

That was the moment when snippets of my life flashed in my mind.

I am happy to report that the anti-lock brakes worked perfectly, and a tragedy was avoided. Afterwards, I started to think about the Five Regrets of the Dying.

Bronnie Ware was a hospice nurse where she spent time with people who were dying. During this experience, she noticed that many people had similar regrets and she categorized them in her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Let’s take a look.

The top five regrets of the dying:

  1.  I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, instead of the life others expected of me.
  2.  I wish I hadn’t worked so hard (or much).
  3.  I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
  4.  I wish I stayed in touch with my friends.
  5.  I wish I let myself be happier.

As I reflect on my morning drive, I know that I can live my life without regrets, knowing that time is a precious thing, and that accidents do happen; every day, all the time. So how might I live my life without regrets? Jenny Nichols has some great suggestions (40 of them!) about how to live without regrets. Among them are:

cultivating a sense of gratitude
taking care of yourself
relaxing with family and friends
becoming the person you’d like to spend the rest of your life with
treating yourself and others with dignity, respect, and compassion
doing something every day that makes you feel proud

So today, I am grateful for family and friends. I am proud of how I have embraced change over the last year, and I’m exploring the idea of becoming the person I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. How about you?

Relationship Lessons: What Can we Learn?

Have ygay-marriage-ringsou heard of Dr. John Gottman? He is a professor of psychology that has spent decades studying couples trying to understand what keeps them together or drives them apart. Most of his research at the Gottman Institute has been focused on heterosexual couples; however, more recently he has been studying lesbian and gay couples and believes they may be better equipped to have mature relationships. Really? Now why would that be?

A recent article in Psychology Today by Hara Estroff Marano suggest that there are five lessons everyone can learn from same-sex couples. Let’s take a look.

  1. Fluid roles: Same-sex couples do not automatically divide household chores or parenting along gender lines. In fact, they usually explicitly decide who will do what and spend more time jointly sharing household tasks.
  2. Sexual Experimentation: In a similar vein, without predefined social assumptions about sexual encounters, same-sex couples experiment more freely, including sexual play.
  3. Conflict: Same-sex couples approach conflict more gently, with less belligerence and domination. Gottman’s research suggests that same-sex couples are more honest with their partners, a trait which makes for more stable relationships in the long run, whether homosexual or heterosexual.
  4. Attractive People: Gottman’s research indicates that gays and lesbians have learned how to be friends with people they are attracted to without acting on those attractions. There is an implication here that straight folks can learn to have more friends that are just friends and not potential sexual partners.
  5. Less Micromanagement: Same-sex couple tend to have more flexibility around money or extended family obligations. Often, same-sex couples have shared money and separate money, and have a more equitable power balance around money.

And what can we learn from the relationships of polyamorous people? Carolyn Yates of Autostraddle has some thoughts on the matter.

  1. Communication: It’s really important in relationships to keeps the lines of communication open. We all know that. But, polyamorous folks have to keep the lines of communication open with multiple people. That’s a bit tricker, and is a skill that is transferable to all kinds of family relationships.
  2. Consent: Consent is not just about not saying “no”. It’s about actively saying “yes” to some things and “no” to other things. It’s about knowing yourself well enough to know what you want, and to know what you don’t want.
  3. Feelings and Needs: Everyone has them. And everyone is an important person. Keeping the feelings and needs of others in our minds helps us to choose actions that are supportive and not hurtful.
  4. Jealousy: Can we be pleased when the people in our lives experience success, joy or pleasure? Or do we become envious or jealous? Polyamorous people learn how to deal with feelings of jealousy, if and when they arise, without projecting blame upon their partners.
  5. There’s always more than one way: Just like water will find it’s way around many different obstacles going over, under, around, and through; there are many different ways to be in relationship. Societal conventions may try to make us believe that there is only one way to be in relationship, and that’s just not true.

Are there other lessons we can learn from Dr. Gottman’s 35+ years of research about relationships? Well, he’s written books on the subject, but there are two things I would like to highlight.

  1. Four Don’ts: Gottman’s research indicates that there are four behaviors that lead trouble in relationships, and he calls them the Four Horsemen.  They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
  2. One Big Do: Take time each day during what seem to be inconsequential moments to honor, love, and connect with our partners. Gottman calls these Sliding Door Moments, and the basic idea is to tune into what is going on with the important people in our lives. There are an infinite number of these moments where we can either choose to attend to our partners, or stay absorbed in ourselves.

Relationships have their ups and their downs. I think in our culture we are taught to believe in “happily ever after”, when actually, relationships take time, patience, practice, caring, and deliberate effort. So let’s put aside criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and jealousy, and instead put effort into building precious moments by tuning into the people we love each and every day.